Hope you are all safe and still full of the NVC spirit.
I need to seriously work on my skills. Why - oh why - is it so much easier to say to my husband in passing "Is the dishwasher ever going to be unloaded since it looks like I need to stack a sink full of dishes in it." (Or something along those lines.)
That was my passive agressive jackal speaking. Maybe I can pass it off with getting home from work past 9 p.m. after driving 45 minutes over icy roads "on a dark desert highway."
No matter. I am definitely slipping. It takes so much time to formulate NVC phrases and my energy level was really low.
I can say now that my need for safety and peace of mind was not met by the drive or by where we live and that I was feeling anxious, tired and disillusioned. (Is that a "feeling"?) And that my need for order and a general sense of partnership was not met.
My plan is to take the time - be conscious - and then speak in a caring, empathetic fashion. My husband was weary as well.
He still wonders why I spend so much effort, energy and dollars on something that obviously "isn't working." I can do better.
Anyone else have a similar story - or some empathy - to share?
Peace,
Patty
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Hi Patty!
ReplyDeleteI miss you! I had a fablous return to the jackal world and felt so able to handle it... until today. Today was a challenge. The daily grind and wanting to be where the language roles off of my tongue...of course it's easy when all of my needs are met!
I'm hoping for a serious thaw for you soon.
Love,
Lisa
I hear that it's really hard to not have your husband in partnership with you on the NVC tip. It sounds as if there is pressure for you to "make NVC work". I'm guessing the pressure is "results-oriented" and also financial. How challenging! I'm putting myself in your shoes and I'm thinking I would be needing consideration for the process, and not so much pressure to "produce". A little jackal acceptance?
ReplyDeleteYesterday, I needed to get to a school meeting and my husband had the day off. He wanted to talk and I told him I had to go. He became upset that I couldn't be there to listen to him at that moment. So, we started arguing over who wasn't listening to who. Awesome, right? ANyway, I ended up submitting to his need for me to stay, and I was late to my meeting, and feeling aggravated all the way there - but also picturing all your faces and trying to breathe. Later, I explained to him about the vortex again and we actually worked out that he seems to most need me to listen at the moments i actually can't - this proves I love him. Going backwards in time, we worked a little bit on how his build up of unexpressed expectations has led him to resent this and examine all the times he submits to me (doing something i request but doesn't meet his needs) - where he makes that deal with himself that I'll be available when he needs it. most of this stuff for us revolves around childcare and helping with kids activities. anyway - we're hoping to start breaking that cycle of resentment.... the first step for me? breaking my own cycle by not resenting him for "making me" stay and then be late to my meeting. Taking my own responsibility for that decision and telling him really clearly why i'm deciding to stay or go in that moment and the deal i'm making with myself. i don't even know if any of this is jackal or giraffe - it's just trying to air out the unexpressed expectations that have defined all our deal making around raising two children together.
hope this sharing met your need for empathy and connection. i have those same needs
xo Carolyn
Dear Lisa & Carolyn,
ReplyDeleteI am filled with gratitude and a strong sense of connection by your kindness in writing to me. You two had such a grasp on NVC - and so much experience - that by sharing your struggles, it makes me feel, well, better :-) - supported and cared for - "we are all in this together" kind of deal. So my need for community has been met as well.
The jackal world is truly challenging - when someone isn't jackaling you - you are jackaling yourself !! I guess we can "keep on keeping on" - and offer empathy and understanding to family and friends along the way.
I am holding "consideration for the process" close to me. My husband qualified that he really meant that he needs me to communicate with him in a way that makes him feel loved - and needed - and respected. I'm not sure if NVC makes him uncomfortable - our specific use of language - or the strength and intensity of our connections with other giraffes.
Carolyn, how challenging that your husband may view your self-sacrifice as a tangible means of showing that you love him, but at the expense of your own needs - and schedule. I'm hearing some pain and confusion - and stress - while needing support and ease and comfort in your home life. It's a gift that you two were able to really examine the "withholds" - which strikes me as very hard, but healthy. I hope for your clarity and peace in going forward.
I miss you two strong compassionate educator women! Please connect with me when you are celebrating or mourning - or have need for empathy and understanding. I will do my best :)
Love & peace,
Patty
Hi Patty.
ReplyDeleteI'm really a "talk through my thoughts out loud" kind of person. So, posting to your blog also helped me get started on journaling. :-)
I appreciated your comment about "holding consideration for the process" close to you. I am holding "examining the withholds as healthy" close to me. :-)
and now not missing everyone quite so much after this connection :-)
by the way - i did not receive your reply in my e-mail, so how do i set up notification from this site?
xo C
Hi Patty-
ReplyDeletecan't seem to post...........frustration
I hear you, sistah! Blogspot is a pain in the butt to comment on - but you made it!!
ReplyDelete